Friendly Into Welcoming
The first time I walked through the doors at St. Paul’s, I knew that we are a friendly church. A little over six years ago, I snuck into Sunday-morning worship the week before I started working as your rector. Although I had spent several months learning about our church, watching online worship, and speaking with members of the search committee and vestry, I wanted the chance to see firsthand what sort of community my family and I were about to enter. It was a delight!
Several people recognized me from my photograph in the newsletter, but plenty of people did not. Still, everyone was friendly. The ushers greeted me warmly. The people sitting near me offered a smile and a word of welcome as we passed the Peace. Instead of staring at me and then darting their eyes away when we made eye-contact, people across the room held me with visual warmth without saying a word. I was home, and I knew it from the start.
That may seem like the most basic form of hospitality—and it is—but in too many churches it is uncommon. Too often I visit a congregation where it quickly becomes clear that the people came to meet Jesus and not anyone else, forgetting that the people who have gathered in his name are, in fact, the Body of Christ. How we receive one another is not only a measure of our willingness to receive Christ; it is how we actually receive him. As the Letter of James makes clear, our commitment to welcoming people regardless of who they are and what they look like is the first step in fulfilling the royal law of loving our neighbors as ourselves (2:1-9).
For many years, our congregation has developed a culture of friendliness. We understand that one of the hallmarks of the Christian faith is hospitality, and we have allowed that belief to seep into our bones. We truly believe that everyone—no matter who they are or where they are on their pilgrimage of faith—belongs among us and at the heart of our community’s life. It is who we are, deeply and unreservedly, and I am profoundly grateful to be a part of it.
As with all good things, however, there is still room for growth. Although I am sure that there have been unfortunate exceptions, on the whole our congregation does a great job of greeting newcomers warmly and enthusiastically. Those who walk through the doors receive a friendly welcome. But what happens next? How do we follow up with people who visit our church? Whose job is it to make sure that our initial welcome becomes an invitation to a lasting relationship? I think building upon our friendliness and growing a culture of deep welcome is an important next step in the life of St. Paul’s.
This week, I am at a conference with other clergy, and we are reflecting on the ways in which our congregations have learned how to be the church in the new reality of a pandemic and post-pandemic world. Several people have shared congregational experiences that sound like ours. They talk about how many new individuals and families are showing up to their churches in search of deep meaning and deep connection. They wonder aloud whether their churches are doing everything they can to not only be nice to these newcomers but also to help them find a place in the community of faith that brought them through the doors in the first place. In describing that distinction, someone used an image that I find helpful.
Imagine being invited to dinner with a group of people and, upon arriving, discovering that everyone else at the table has been a member of that supper club for fifty years. They know each other as old friends, but you have shown up as a welcomed stranger. Although the group is friendly and engaging, you quickly realize that they have a history that is impossible to learn or appreciate without years of practice. Still, they seem to be delighted that you are there, and they tell you repeatedly that they hope you will come back the next time they gather together.
When the time comes for the next dinner, you reluctantly agree to go, only because the person who has invited you assures you that everyone is glad you came last time and hopes you will come back. As strange as it sounds, it seems like this well-established group really wants you to join in, so you ask what you can bring with you to contribute to the shared meal. “Oh, nothing at all,” your friend replies. “Just yourself. We’re just glad you would be willing to come. Don’t bring a thing!”
You know better than to show up empty-handed, so you bake some brownies to share. (Who doesn’t love brownies?) When you arrive at the host’s home, brownies in hand, you are again greeted warmly, but then your host asks you why you brought a dessert. “We told you not to worry about bringing anything,” the host says awkwardly. “Someone else signed up to bring dessert, but I suppose having two desserts won’t hurt anything!”
Again, people are friendly, but, as the conversation unfolds, you can’t help but think about how uncomfortable the moment with the brownies felt. As you listen to the stories being shared, you realize that, although the people at the table are happy to have you there, they are not really interested in having you become a true member of their group. You are allowed to be present as a visitor, but no one at the table has bothered to think about what it means to fully welcome a newcomer into their well-established community. Before you leave, you know it will be the last time you show up.
Our church is incredibly friendly, but I think we underestimate how difficult it is for someone to show up and become an active part of the community unless that person is intentionally welcomed by another person. There are a few rare individuals in our midst who have the strange combination of personality traits and life experiences that allow them to walk into a community that has been meeting for 175 years as if they have always belonged there, but most newcomers show up just hoping that no one will complain that they have sat in their pew. As long as we are focused only on being friendly and not on being welcoming, we can expect to see a revolving door of new faces who show up for a few weeks or even months but then disappear because they have not found what they are searching for.
People do not come to a new church because they are bored on Sunday mornings. They come seeking deep connection with God and the community of faith. They want more than an experience of beautiful worship. They come searching for a meaningful place in a community that helps life have meaning. And, no matter how good our music is, no matter how good our preaching is, no matter how nice and friendly we are, unless we help them find a way of contributing to the life that we share as more than a visitor, they will go and look for that somewhere else.
With a culture that is more friendly than welcoming, we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get information about the ministries of our church into the hands of newcomers. We want them to know about all of the opportunities that they have to connect with us. Without exception, we would be eager to include them in those ministries as soon as they show up. But, no matter how easily available the ministry directory is, and no matter how enthusiastic my invitation sounds during the announcements in church, nothing will help a newcomer find a place among us like your personal invitation.
Instead of waiting for someone to take the initiative and claim their place within one of the ministries or programs of St. Paul’s, make it your responsibility to seek them out and ask if they would like to come with you the next time your group meets. Instead of wondering how much more effectively we could communicate to newcomers all of the ways that they can get involved, think about how you will help them know that they belong in our midst—not only as a dinner guest but an integral part of the life of our church.
In other words, allow the natural friendliness of our church to grow and deepen into an attitude of deep welcome. Recognize that being nice to visitors is only the first step and that the second step does not belong to the newcomer but to the veteran parishioner. You will not burden anyone by inviting them to join you in whatever ministry you enjoy. You will give them the gift of welcome and help them find at St. Paul’s what their heart truly seeks.
Yours faithfully,
Evan D. Garner
