Come Closer, Go Away!

AM Psalm 55 • PM Psalm 138, 139:1-17(18-23)
Zech. 8:9-17 • Rev. 6:1-17 • Matt. 25:31-46

Psalm 139 is one of my favorites, at least the first 17 verses. I’ve reacted differently to it at different times. Sometimes I’ve been comforted by the idea that no matter where I go, God will be with me. Just think, a love so penetrating and so expansive that I can’t get away from it. Safety, security no matter where I go. Other times, I’ve felt threatened by that same omnipresent love. It seems intrusive. Too much. Go away, I want some space. Usually this happens when I’m not feeling good about myself and I want some space from my own thoughts.

Today, I’m taken by intimacy—the psalmist’s awareness of God’s intimate knowledge of their being, even of their being before they were born. “Your eyes beheld my limbs, yet unfinished in the womb; all of them were written in your book.” I’m curious how the psalmist gained this mystical awareness of God’s intimate presence and knowledge– prayer, visions, dreams, or some other spiritual practice. “...I was being made in secret and woven in the depths of the earth.” This is not common knowledge, I think. Things like this don’t come to me in my prayer and meditation. I’m envious of those who have such a direct experience of God’s presence and involvement in their being...and afraid of that directness at the same time. It’s the same conflict that I mentioned above, do I want God close to me or not? Do I want God’s imprint on every aspect of my being or not?

Of course, I don’t have a choice about God’s presence or awareness of my being. My choice is to try to open myself to God’s presence or close myself off. My prayer for myself and for all of us is that we can be open to the mystery of God’s presence and intimate knowledge of our being, whatever that might mean in our lives.

Written by Cathy Campbell

Cathy is a semi-retired professional counselor and she makes a joyful sound in the choir. She advocates for marginalized groups, especially LGBTQ people.