Saying Goodbye Well
FROM THE RECTOR
Back in July, when we announced Suzanne Stoner’s retirement, there was an initial sense of shock and sadness. Suzanne has been active at St. Paul’s for thirty-two years. She has been offering pastoral care in our parish for twenty-three, and she has been our priest for seventeen. None of us can imagine what ministry without her in those roles will be like. The idea that she would leave us is painful. The thought of carrying on after she leaves is unbearable.
But then things settled down a little bit. July is a long way away from January. Seven months is plenty of time for us to focus on the work in front of us without worrying about what lies ahead. After the initial week or two of expressed grief, things got quiet. Every time Suzanne climbed into the pulpit or stood at the altar, I felt the significance of that, and I bet you did, too. Still, despite her approaching retirement, I did not experience those as a countdown—until now.
Two Sundays ago, when Suzanne preached, a few people asked whether that was her last sermon at St. Paul’s. (It wasn’t.) This week, as I stood with her at the altar, I began to wonder how many more times I will share that privilege with her. I suspect you, too, have begun to feel the nearness of her departure, and I know Suzanne feels it deeply. A few weeks ago, she shared with me that her spirit recently had shifted to reflect the significance and sadness of leaving behind a ministry and congregation that she loves. I am sure that she will express her own feelings more fully in the coming weeks, but that conversation came to me as a reminder that now is the time for us to begin grappling with the reality of her retirement.
In part, that time has arrived because we now have a fuller sense of what will come next. Yesterday, we announced that the Rev. Sara Milford will be joining our staff on February 1 as our Associate Rector. I could not be more excited about that news. I do not believe that there is another person on the earth who would be a better fit for St. Paul’s at this time. Sara will bring incredible gifts for ministry to our parish, and I look forward to sharing ministry with her. The news of her upcoming arrival, while news of unqualified joy, is also another sign that Suzanne’s farewell is coming soon.
On January 8, Suzanne will preach her last sermon as our Associate Rector, and, on January 15, she will lead worship in that role for the last time. You may notice that we have pushed that date back by one week from the initial announcement as both her plans and ours have become clearer. A few days before her last Sunday, we will gather in the evening for a party to honor Suzanne, and, on her last Sunday, we will have a reception following the 11:00 a.m. service. Between now and then, let us savor every moment we share with her and Elliott, and let us give thanks to God for the gift that her ministry has been to us.
I hope that at some point in the years ahead Suzanne will be able to return to St. Paul’s—first as a worshipper in the pews with her family and perhaps, eventually, as an assisting priest. For now, though, as painful as it will be for her and for us, her stepping away needs to be complete so that she can learn what it means to be among us without being our priest and so that we can learn what it means to be a parish without her constant care. Of course, Suzanne will still love us, and we will still love her, but a twenty-three-year job of deep, enmeshed, loving pastoral care cannot be unwound without some deliberate and difficult time apart.
In July, I suggested to you that we still have a lot of ministry to do together before we say goodbye to Suzanne. Now, with only a little over five weeks before her last Sunday, Suzanne’s focus in her ministry has shifted from the everyday ins and outs of her work to the singular work of taking leave of us. That is hard and sad for all of us. The checklist of best practices for the ending of a pastoral relationship is long and detailed, and it requires her to spend more time and effort letting things go than carrying her usual load. That work of saying goodbye is arduous and emotional, and I ask you to hold Suzanne in your daily prayers.
In the weeks ahead, we will discover even more fully—and often painfully—the countless ways in which we depend on Suzanne. We will need to find new ways of caring for each other and allowing others to care for us. Right now, we cannot know exactly how we will do that, but we can know without a doubt that we will figure it out together and with God’s help. One step in figuring that out is saying goodbye to Suzanne and allowing her to say goodbye to us—and being sure that we say goodbye to each other well.
If you are feeling the grief of this moment, you are not alone. I feel it, too, and so does Suzanne. There is much to celebrate and be thankful for, but there is also much to be sad about. But I believe that what lies ahead of us will be even better for all of us because of the deep love that Suzanne has for this parish and that we have for her. That love, which itself is a gift of God, the source of all love, will make this transition possible, painful, and beautiful all at the same time.
Yours Faithfully,
Evan D. Garner