Doing or Being? For or With?
Years ago, I heard an episode of This American Life that featured an interview of a couple who had only discovered years into their marriage that the husband was neurodivergent. The wife was a speech pathologist who often worked with children who had been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and she began to wonder whether her quirky spouse might be on the spectrum. After taking an online survey that confirmed her suspicions, their marriage changed for the better.
A formal diagnosis gave them a framework to discuss the ways in which his neuro-identity had been affecting them both, often with unintended but harmful consequences. As he came to grips with this new way of understanding himself, he began keeping a journal of best practices—things he had learned about himself and ways that he could be a better person and spouse.
In a humorous anecdote, the couple reflected on a time when the husband journaled about how to be a better listener. She came home from work, complaining about how long and stressful her commute was. Without hesitation, his mind sprang into action, and he began to research traffic patterns and average travel times in order to optimize her trip to work each day. But that was not what she was looking for. She wanted a sympathetic ear, not an optimal solution, so he wrote in his journal about the importance of just listening when someone you love has a problem. Weeks later, however, she exclaimed in frustration that the house was a mess and that she would not be able to clean it up all by herself. Remembering what he had written down, he looked at her, nodded, and said, “That must be rough.” I bet you can guess what her reaction was.
Sometimes we need a sympathetic ear. Sometimes we need an advocate or a problem-solver. Sometimes we need a partner who will help us, and other times we need one who will hold us. In a loving relationship, we need all of those things at various times, and those whom we love need us to respond in the right way, too. Figuring out how to be present with someone we love is not always easy, but, as the relationship develops, we learn instinctively how to listen and respond to someone we care about. The same is true in our relationship with God, and I hope it is true in those relationships we pursue with others in God’s name.
When God sends Moses to Pharaoh to bring God’s people, the Israelites, out of Egypt, God promises to be present in several different ways (see Exodus 3). First, God acknowledges that God has observed the misery of God’s people and heard their cries. God has listened to them. Second, God declares that God will deliver the people out of Egypt by God’s own mighty hand, for only then will the reluctant and hard-hearted Pharaoh be compelled to set them free. Third, God assures Moses that God will go with him—that he will not stand alone when he confronts Pharaoh on God’s behalf. Finally, God reminds Moses that the God who has spoken to him out of the burning bush is the God of their ancestors—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob—whose presence and covenant faithfulness surpasses the generations.
God hears our prayers and listens to the cries of our distress. God does not always show up in the way we want, but God promises to be present with us, and I suspect that, in ways that surpass our understanding, God is with us in whatever way we need most. Sometimes God protects us with the divine outstretched arm. Other times God wraps God’s loving arms around us. Sometimes, when God hears us, God takes up our cause and fights for us, while other times God simply abides with us in our pain.
I cringe a little bit whenever I hear someone offer words of encouragement that narrow or restrict the way we expect God to show up. In the current Sunday-morning series on anxiety, we have acknowledged that, all too often, good and faithful people go to bed hungry and without adequate shelter. To pretend that God is only present when a belly is full and a warm bed awaits is to deny the holiness of those who experience poverty. On the other hand, as the Letter of James reminds us, those who would send a hungry person out into the cold with nothing more than a pat on the back and a prayer, trusting that God will be with them regardless, do not understand faith at all.
As people of God, who belong to Jesus, we are called to be present with other people just as God is present with them. This means that sometimes we are called to be “for” those in need, advocating for the dismantling of unjust systems and providing tangible support to our siblings and neighbors. But it also means that we are called to be “with” them, not only working to solve insidious problems but also accompanying those who experience isolation, exclusion, discouragement, and grief.
A friend and colleague of mine, the Rev. Bob Leopold, once said, “You have heard that, if you give someone a fish, you feed them for a day, but, if you teach someone to fish, you feed them for a lifetime, but I just want to go fishing together.” Sometimes we are called to help those in need by working on their behalf, and other times we are called to help by working beside them, but I think the highest calling of all is to be for and with other people—to exist alongside and to co-inhabit a life with other sacred beings who, like us, have been made in God’s image.
Earlier this week, St. Paul’s hosted a gathering of other church leaders on behalf of Family Promise of Northwest Arkansas. A few dedicated volunteers have been working to bring an affiliate of Family Promise to Fayetteville in an attempt to end family homelessness in this community, and our church was asked to provide a place for other leaders to gather and consider whether their congregations would join the effort. As I have written before in this space, the Family Promise model depends on congregations and other non-profit organizations sharing the responsibility for caring for families who experience homelessness. Although I have been familiar with Family Promise for years, I learned last night that one of the most important things we can do as a church is to be for and with those who are unhoused.
In a few months, I hope that St. Paul’s will be ready to step up and provide temporary shelter to families that need it. There are a lot of details that must come together before that can happen, but I believe that they will. Even more than that, however, I hope that our church will remain committed to loving other people in God’s name in ways that make a difference in the life we share. With God’s help, we have been good at that for a long time. Instead of trying to help other people—to do things for them—or develop partnerships with them—to do things with them—we have a history of being for and with our neighbors because we know that we are one.
Yours faithfully,
Evan D. Garner
